Day 175

Those of you who have been following this blog may have noticed that from time to time its more about my life than my writing. Well my life impacts my writing A LOT. This is more of a "life" post.
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I have a problem. ("A" problem I know most of you will say). Okay I have several problems that often make me wonder what it's like to be normal, but this particular problem is screwing with me right now.

There are a several things I need to do:

• Renew my drivers license
• Sort through and shred at least 4 years worth of settled bills and statements
• Clean out our one closet
• Call my grandmother
• Take my car into the shop
• Finish work on the preliminary edits for my manuscript
• Stop eating my weight in pizza, snickers, cookies and burgers at every possible moment
• Search for some cheap round trip flights to the east coast. 
• Vacuum
• Fold a serious mountain of clothes
• Take a serious mountain of clothes and shoes to Goodwill
  

And the responsible adult in me is wondering why all of these things aren't done yet.

My bill paying job was really crazy between the months of September and last week ( i know last week isnt a month.), my dude changed jobs twice and then the holidays set in. I'm exhausted, my weight is all over the place and mostly heading upwards and I'm stressed about four trips I would like to take in the first half of 2011 which I may not have the funds to do.


NOW, I'm on vacation. My brother comes into town tomorrow just for a day, but after that I still have four days of vacation and I cannot make myself relax. I've been staying up late, getting up early and all but pacing around my apartment giving my manuscript the side eye. I do this all the time. Deny myself rest, while also putting off the things I need to do. Then I look at the clock and the anxiety starts to kick in F-ing up my ability to be productive or sleep even more.


Both of my parents have an insane work ethics. I grew up watching my father sleep a few hours a night, grabbing odd bits of shut eye here and there in the car while waiting for my mother to come out of the bank or in his leather recliner on the odd occasions that our house was quiet. I like being busy and I like working hard, but I have the hardest time shutting it off. Even as I type this I'm dreading just how late I'm going to be up tonight because I wont be able to sleep.


Is part of it the ADHD? Yeah. Is part of it the marathon of the First 48 that is more interesting than ANYTHING I could possibly be doing at the moment? Hells yeah. But most of it I feel is guilt. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel guilty when I'm doing nothing. Even when I catch up on much needed sleep and am grateful to feel rejuvenated, there's always this tiny or sometimes thunderously loud voice in the back of my head saying "Ya know, you could have gotten a lot done in those 8 hours."

The most annoying part is all of these things will get done. I'm not about to look at my publisher and say "Oops didn't do my edits." and I will vacuum because our carpet is kinda gross, but I would LOVED to avoid the stress and anxiety during it all.

I know what I need to do. I need to eat better, because heartburn and gluten bloat have been known to wake me up at 2 am. I need to exercise more because that always seems to knock me out at the end of the day and I need to stop beating myself up. I'm on vacation. I have no kids. My bills are paid. My boyfriend is deep in the world of WoW. I'm allowed to relax. Now I just need to do it.

When all of my problems are solved, I'd love to get a tattoo of either Tsuru. ♥