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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Day 308

So, I eat my feelings. I feel like by admitting that I'm one step away from the biggest loser or a 1800 Get Thin Commercial, but I'm not. But I will tell you want I am. I am technically obese. It's a dirty word, but going by scales and charts, that's what I am. I'm what I like to call a Functioning Fatty, which I think a lot of people are. My weight has only made me more social, but my social skills don't stop me from breathing heavy as I walk up stairs or sweating whenever I hear the word hot

It's Tuesday, which is the perfect day to write this. Sunday I go to weight watchers. Monday I work out and eat healthy. Tuesday I fall off the wagon. I blame this on my short term memory loss, but the truth is, I eat my feelings. All the emotions you have to dig up to create a story worth telling make me impossible to live with. I have no idea how most writers don't suffer from severe depression. I do and that's coupled with the ADHD I think I've mentioned a few times here and there.  And with that comes the need to eat my way through ups and downs. Again I share this because my life affects my writing life. I'll tell you how.


While waiting to hear back on the submission of Better Off Red, I gained 30 lbs. It was a relatively short period of time. I have been a  varying weight on the curvy to heavy meter since I was 6, but this was first time in my life I noticed the weight gain. My dude noticed too. Don't worry he was nice about it, but when I screamed "30 fucking pounds" he didn't do that annoying "What are you talking about?" thing which I appreciated. This big girl hates sugar coating (get it). I have been this heavy before. When I first moved to LA and discovered the magic that is Craft Service, I climbed to my all time max weight. I am 2 pounds away from that now.

I see a lot of girls and women my size, every day and many of them are very beautiful. I do not see this when I see myself at a distance. Up close in that avatar sized box that is my face, I know I'm not unfortunate. I'm not Paula Patton (Paula Patton is fine), but I know I'm not a troll. I hate my body. My dude loves it, but knowing that I hate it he does almost as well as my father does at never mentioning my weight ever. I see bulges and rolls and I hate them.

The vanity is one issue, but here's the other. I have gained 5 pounds since I started writing The Fling, which is HILARIOUS because the love interest is a trainer. I have to write more books and I have to spend MANY more hours sitting on my ass. If I gain 30lbs per book which is very very possible, I will be in big trouble in short order. For in the first time in my life I have to lose weight so I don't eat myself into a heart attack. This is sobering, but then there's that short term memory loss and that hilarious depression...

So it's Tuesday. I read a book that ripped my heart out last night and had me up to 3 this morning. I have to write today and of course I don't want to work out. Plus Dude is working from home and Chinese food is like a chaser to burgers for him. Luckily I'm meeting with my bestie's trainer today ask her some questions for The Fling. Hopefully that will keep me on the wagon for a few more hours. We'll see.

(Read this last night and another part of me will never be the same. I HIGHLY recommend. )

1 comment:

  1. Christine CollierJuly 5, 2011 at 12:09 AM

    Hey Rebekah! Don't lose hope girl and don't be hard on yourself. I'm not sure I could've lost the weight if I didn't have a 9 to 5 job. The weekends (and any either day I'm at home with a refrigerator in reach) I pig out.

    My advice is don't force yourself into any boxes you don't want to be in. That's a sure fire way to send you screaming for the hills. Its why for me I gave up on the fantansy that I would join a gym or give up fast food. I knew I wouldn't stick with it.

    That's why I do the calorie counting thing. My husband on the other hand thinks I'm nuts. He wants to eat whenever he's hungry without having to worry about how many calories he's got left. So he went on an all protein diet. He ate ham & cheese omelettes every morning and 3 double cheeseburgers every day for lunch (w/o the buns) and lost 100 pounds.

    Basically, I made a list of things I could and couldn't live with out. Both when it came to specific food items, certain quantities and exercise. There are so many diets out there, I believe there is something that will work for everyone. It's just a matter of finding something you can stick with.

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